Beat the Crap Out of Your Marriage

“The bible has upheld marriage as being between one man and one woman. My wife has been more loving and supportive than any woman I have ever known. She and I have talked about this and she agrees that I am more of a husband than any man could ever hope to be. So, it is at this time that I’m announcing that she and I are that one man and one woman.” more

Incident at Cheetah and Cobra Petting Zoo

“I’d spent the day feeding hand grown alligators, frolicking in a piranha bath, and tickling the bellies of bull rhinos. I was truly communing with nature but something went terribly wrong.” more

Zimbabwe Style Sperm Rape Still a Mystery

When he traveled to Southern Africa for a research assignment a few years ago, John Caldwell didn’t expect to be sperm raped.   According to reports, packs of ravenous females have been snatching men into the backs of unmarked vehicles and subjecting them to forced ejaculation. In his testimony to authorities, Mr. Caldwell stated that after they were done, he was tossed out of a moving smoke filled van like a leaky condom.

Stories of abduction now date back to 2009 and allege the use of poisonous snakes, knives and electroejaculators to force men (mostly hitchhikers) into giving up the juju. Police stated that they are uncertain what the spunk is being used for but suspect ritual magic.

Prostitutes working in the area also claim that they are now able to sell the splatter for extra money. “I now only spit” said Hot Okra. “After collecting about five loads, I can sell this junk to a mule and get $400 American easy. The other option is to sleep with it under my pillow and have it turn to coin by morning.”

Though the attacks have sparked laughter and disdain from around the world, it is a serious issue in Harare where men live under the constant threat of being robbed of their semen.

“People are afraid to go anywhere with a woman” explained Watch Rupaaranganda, resident expert on sperm harvesting. “Some believe that the practice takes the luck from the victim and passes it on to others. On the other hand, it may also be used as old lady beauty cream. We just don’t know for certain.”

New Gun Used to Shut People Up

Working on the principle of delayed auditory feedback, a new type of gun causes the human brain to shut down all vocal processes. Advocates for the project state that practical implications of the technology may be to silence people talking at unacceptable levels in public spaces such as theaters or libraries and to maintain order in courtrooms. However, those who are against acts of passive violence state that the invention will be put to impractical uses.

“Look, nobody hates the sound of them screaming kids more than I do,” stated Velma from the Broadwater Farm Estates “but you can’t just go around shooting children whenever you want. Now my husband on the other hand is a different color horse. I asked him yesterday to take out the trash but he’s still here. Sure he emptied the dustbin but that’s not what I meant. I need a little more quiet time. All he does is watch footie on telly. He knows I’ve got this terrible itch and he won’t go to the shop but gets to the offie everyday. How am I supposed to live like this? The blower is off, the main is bust, and he’s just balls-up. We can’t get a decent lodger in this place that doesn’t try to get my knickers. I know looking at me now it sounds porky, but I was a looker once. I just need to do something with this hair. Course, you wouldn’t know that since Harold over there hasn’t touched me since July of 2008. That’s when he started andropausing. Mom said I shouldn’t marry a typesetter because it was a bad carrier move, but I was too monged out in those days to listen. So yeah, we had some good times. Though technically, I guess it was just one time really. But that was before the typesetting accident took his legs. I still don’t know how that happened exactly.”

“And another thing…”

Utah Woman Finally Releases Death Grip

When Sharon of Springville Utah purchased her first iPhone, she was told that she suffered from a debilitating condition that would prevent her from ever being able to use it properly. “They said that I suffered from what is known as Death Grip syndrome. I remember telling my mother who was in chemo at the time, that we would be strong together. ”

Individuals afflicted with the condition were said to experience dropped calls and missed messages that resulted from holding the phone extremely tight. But for Sharon, there was hope. After months of suffering from paralyzing hand cramps, she decided to take control of the situation and sought professional help. “My iPhone was important to me. It is still a big part of my life. After I realized that I could never go back to using one of those immigrant flip phones, I made an appointment to see a specialist.”

After spending thousands of dollars on therapy, ointments, Botox, butters, creams, surgery, herbal witchery and grandma cures, Sharon found out that there was nothing wrong with her hand. Attorney Ira Rothken tweeted that a court case proved that it was in fact, the phone that was defective. “21 mm Amricns 2 get $15 phone case” read the message.

In reflection, Sharon had this to say “I’m a survivor. I can now live a full life which is news that I can’t wait to share with my mother who was there for me throughout this ordeal. Maybe I’ll use the $15.00 from Apple to buy her something nice. She deserves that.”

LGBT Families Bullied into Equal Marriage by Obama

Former Veep Dick Cheney is very upset about the passing of a bill that destroys equal marriage according to a spokesperson for gay republicans. “Like Ronald Regan, Dick would have offered a lot of support for LGBT families while in office but was never given the chance. It is the one thing that haunts the former Vice President more than the ghost of that third guy he shot in the face." more

It Gets Bigger

Every Rich Man for Himself

First class passengers aboard the SW Balmoral marked the 100th anniversary of the Titanic by sharing in a moment of silence and prayer before attempting to board lifeboats. The ship had been retracing the voyage of the doomed vessel which sent more than 1500 people to their watery demise.

The reenactment was the brainchild of Julie Smith, an event coordinator from Southwest England and it is believed to be the first (and probably last) of its kind. “We’d locked the third class passengers below deck just like they did on the actual Titanic” she stated. “Then I remember the abandon ship alarm sounding and the gentleman next to me panicked. Everything went dark shortly after that.”

The oversight in communication wasn’t what upset Julie the most, she later admitted. “Maybe we should have planned better and made certain that everyone knew about the re-enactment, but I assumed my fellow travelers would be civil. Instead, there was a total lack of humanity that turned into every rich bastard for himself. It was worse than closing time at a New York flea market.”

Mikeal Elinder and Oscar Erixon who have studied 18 of the world’s most famous maritime disasters couldn’t agree more. “Men are three times as likely to survive these types of disasters” they said. “It really doesn’t go very well for women. In ancient times, Kate Winslet would have been thrown overboard to appease the gods. It wasn’t that long ago that her presence on board might have been thought to be bad luck. Chivalry in fact is just a myth propagated by men to make themselves sound heroic in order to get with Kate Winslet.”

A survey of 705 men who boarded lifeboats during the Balmoral situation found that all of them stated that they indeed, wanted Kate. Unfortunately Kate or a Kate Winslet knockoff schedule to speak at the engagement was trampled to death in their haste to escape what they believed to be a sinking ship.

Girl Gone Wild

LOGO A NoGo

After 6 years, LOGO has announced an end to LGBT programming. “The community has evolved in its identity” said Esther Franklin, Executive Vice President of Strategy on gay type stuff. “Gay audiences are now identifying better with mainstream society and no longer want to watch Bad Sex. As a result, we will continue to offer quality programming that is representative to those in the gay community, it just won’t have any gay people in it.”

Native American Transvaginal Porn Not So Romantic

After plying his already inebriated wife with alcohol to get her in the mood, Virginia lawmaker David Albo stated that someone owed him an apology. “It is rare that we have time to ourselves” he explained. “After a long day of discussing laws to turn back Roe v. Wade, it was time to relax.  I turned on the soundtrack to Banging Irene and put in a DVD of Native American Transvaginal Ultra porn. You would think that would be a winning combination” but it wasn’t.

To his surprise, David’s wife rejected his attempts at seduction. Instead, “she went on about trans-v this and trans-v that” he stated. “But what’s any of that have to do with my happy time? It was like talking to a liberal… Look, she loves the Redskins more than she loves me but do you hear me complaining? No.”

Meanwhile, an unapologetic source from Alexandria surmised that David’s wife, like so many American women probably has a vagina. “She may have considered legislation to regulate and control her body disturbing. That’s not something you can fix with trans-v flicks.”

Global Warming Blamed for Vaginal Downpours

Extreme changes in global temperatures resulted in unexpected weather conditions in Glasgow this week as bucket loads of c*nts rained from the sky. Some have speculated that it is due to the rampant number of America women taking birth control just some 4000 miles (6500 kilometers) away. Previous studies have shown that a lot of those byproducts end up in the United Kingdom’s drinking water.

“They eat the stuff like candy over there” one witness reported. “It’s no wonder they are trying to keep it out of the hospitals. I haven’t seen my husband in two days” she continued. “Every since all this pussy started falling from the sky, men have been disappearing.”

Bobbies (British police) have no leads on the disappearances but suspect that the vaginal downpour may have washed many men out to sea. “We are trying our best to find some of the missing persons, but as you can image, it’s very difficult under these conditions.”

BBC weather man Alex Deakin was the first to warn people about what he saw coming. Unfortunately for Britain, Mr. Deakin underestimated the severity of the situation. “It is simply a lovely winter’s day tomorrow, expect buckets loads of cunt” he said. His lack of detail gave people little to go on and even less time to prepare.  

One organization has stepped up relief efforts in order to raise money and awareness for what has been deemed the worst disaster for gay men and straight women in history.

Sweet Tooth

"A Christian woman shouldn't buy cucumbers after midnight. It just doesn't look right."

The Good Wife

"A girl can only sell herself into bridal slavery so many times before customs start to ask questions."

Ghetto Kitchen

"Beef dick from the projects - that's not soul food, that's just nasty."

Candy Apple

"She has 4 knees and she still can't keep a man."