Investors Bet on Death of a Chairman
Are Investors Playing a Deadly game?
South Korea - Shares of Samsung jumped more than 4 percent this week on rumors that the company chairman had been hospitalized for a heart attack, cancer, or a tummy ache. "Whatever it may be, these are really exciting times for the business" stated one expert. "We've studied the numbers and believe that his chances of survival are slim. Someone is definitely going to die today."
Upon confirmation of the chairman's heart condition, market speculators clamored for shares of Samsung prompting it to outperforming the 0.5 percent gain of prior weeks. "We were hoping that he'd had a stroke, but this is still great news" stated one analyst. "This can still be fatal."
An associate at Dongbu Securities summed the situation up this way. "It's not that anyone hates the chairman or believes that he is doing a poor job - Samsung is doing great in fact. But if he leaves the position it means a potential reorganization of the company. The next guy could do something drastic like redecorate. In short, no one is sure what a restructuring will mean, but it's shiny and new like the Samsung Galaxy S5 or massive layoffs. Investors love that stuff and who can blame them?"
Chairman Lee's neighbor said however that the Lee family isn't so optimistic. "They believe he will make a full recovery. It's a tragic situation for them if you think about it. On the one hand if he survives they'll be letting down thousands of stockholders who support him and the company by betting against his life. On the other hand..."
Wal-Mart Set to Tap into Legal Services Scalping Market
Toronto - Wal-Mart stock jumped 23% this week on news that the company plans to expand its legal services. Shoppers in Toronto stores can already file for divorce on isles three and seven, acquire document notarizations next to kitchenware and have their screaming kids written out of wills in layaway. Talks of opening additional locations in the United States are currently being negotiated according to one legal representatives. "Right now we are negotiating a time to start negotiating" he said, "after that we can negotiate a location to meet to negotiate where we'll open our first U.S. offices."
This is good news for the thousands of unemployed attorneys like Candice Mazzie who has been looking for a job since Friday. "I'm more than happy to start working again" she stated "though I am a little concerned about the increased case loads and even longer lines during the holidays."
One analyst suggest that though Candice's concerns are valid, it is still a great move for the company. "This is very practical when you think about it. With studies showing that most marriages end during the holidays, many investors will be keeping a close watch to see just how low cost legal services will impact seasonal market shares."
Dollar General Inc. is already considering adding Dollar Store Attorneys to compete with Wal-Mart's $19.99 divorce packages and to tap into the market of lawyers who hang outside big box retail locations during the holidays to offer legal services.
According to part-time Courtesy Clerk Patricia Stapleton, scalping legal services has been growing every since people started fighting over the first iPhones. "With holidays and the next big sale always lurking around the corner, imagine being able to speak with a personal injury attorney immediately after being stabbed or trampled to death inside one of these stores" she said. "Before you had to force your way to the parking lot to find an attorney. This will save customers time and the company zillions in frivolous injury settlements."
After her husband suffered permanent hearing lose fighting over a pair of beats headphones Patricia believes the new services are a welcomed change. "He was ear hammered" she added. "If we could have gotten him to a lawyer sooner, it would have been as if that had never happened."
An unofficial statement released from the company reads "we want our customers to be able to settle legal matters as quickly as possible so that they can get back to shopping. As a result we can now offer deep discounts in lieu of cash settlements to customers who are injured during Black Friday events which mean even bigger savings."
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In March 2013, the City Council of Santa Monica will review ways in which to regulate the rampant outbreak of health conscious individuals who jog, bike and bend over in city parks and beaches. Some resort to exercise in parking lots and landfills to avoid the changes.
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New Adult fiction category created for 14-35 year olds who aren't quite grownups but aren't exactly children either. "Stores catering to the new readers are bad for the community" said Yuri Holender. "48 year olds are trying to pass for younger just to get these books."
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If your social media rep has ever gone from cute to creepy to amber alert status all in one day, you need the Nanny. Facebook Nanny will prevent you from posting racy comments and disturbing images so you can stop being unfriended. Add it to your shopping list today
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For the first time census data shows the number of minorities born in the United States has surpassed those of others. “It seems peculiar that all of these babies are being born black and brownish to yellow, I suspect it has something to do with global warming” said IN resident.
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