Credit Cards Offered to Kids Ease Parents' Financial Burdens
"I didn't give birth to myself" says one Mother
With the cost of bringing up a child in the United States estimated at between $245,000 and $304,480, many parents of Boomlets are facing the challenges with a smile. It's a new approach that leverages the cost of maintaining a family through a model of responsibility called credit.
Parents who raise 'responsible children' feel less stress about things like iPhones, vaccinations, Twizzlers and private school according to Gallup polls. "Children today are like no other generations" stated one family expert. "With kids growing older younger (KGOY), the demands on parents to satiate their little appetites with tech increases exponentially. Parents who raise children on credit understand that they are preparing them at an early age to be competitive in a consumer driven society."
Fourteen year old Lacy Clark who got her first iPod before she had teeth and whose birth alone will cost her $28,000, said that her parents had always been very generous about getting her everything she asked for. "I didn't understand what it meant to be responsible until my parents kept buying me things" she stated. "If I lost my cell phone or threw it out a moving car, they would get me a new one."
It wasn't until her parents presented her with the itemized lists of what she had been spending on herself that she realized what she would be responsible for paying back once she turned eighteen. "I no longer buy the newest "i" anything" she gasped. "It will take me years just to pay back the cost of my own daycare."
The great thing about raising responsible children is that the financial burden of having a child is completely lifted or shared with the parental unit. "It's something my parents wish they had" Lacy's mother confirmed. "The looks on their little faces when the see how much they cost is priceless."
Financial experts agree that the Clarks are doing what is right for the economy. Speculators are already forecasting endless avenues of income for both credit card issuers and debtors prisons once Boomlets start coming of age and are literally faced with a lifetime of debt.
Not everyone however agrees that it is a good idea. When confronted with questions about fairness and parental responsibility however, parents like Lacy's say that they are doing the responsible thing. "I didn't give birth to myself" her mother elaborated. "I'm not one of those parents that sit around complaining all the time about how expensive it is to raise my children. I'm doing something about it."
Investors Bet on Death of a Chairman
Are Investors Playing a Deadly game?
South Korea - Shares of Samsung jumped more than 4 percent this week on rumors that the company chairman had been hospitalized for a heart attack, cancer, or a tummy ache. "Whatever it may be, these are really exciting times for the business" stated one expert. "We've studied the numbers and believe that his chances of survival are slim. Someone is definitely going to die today."
Upon confirmation of the chairman's heart condition, market speculators clamored for shares of Samsung prompting it to outperforming the 0.5 percent gain of prior weeks. "We were hoping that he'd had a stroke, but this is still great news" stated one analyst. "This can still be fatal."
An associate at Dongbu Securities summed the situation up this way. "It's not that anyone hates the chairman or believes that he is doing a poor job - Samsung is doing great in fact. But if he leaves the position it means a potential reorganization of the company. The next guy could do something drastic like redecorate. In short, no one is sure what a restructuring will mean, but it's shiny and new like the Samsung Galaxy S5 or massive layoffs. Investors love that stuff and who can blame them?"
Chairman Lee's neighbor said however that the Lee family isn't so optimistic. "They believe he will make a full recovery. It's a tragic situation for them if you think about it. On the one hand if he survives they'll be letting down thousands of stockholders who support him and the company by betting against his life. On the other hand..."
Wal-Mart Set to Tap into Legal Services Scalping Market
Toronto - Wal-Mart stock jumped 23% this week on news that the company plans to expand its legal services. Shoppers in Toronto stores can already file for divorce on isles three and seven, acquire document notarizations next to kitchenware and have their screaming kids written out of wills in layaway. Talks of opening additional locations in the United States are currently being negotiated according to one legal representatives. "Right now we are negotiating a time to start negotiating" he said, "after that we can negotiate a location to meet to negotiate where we'll open our first U.S. offices."
This is good news for the thousands of unemployed attorneys like Candice Mazzie who has been looking for a job since Friday. "I'm more than happy to start working again" she stated "though I am a little concerned about the increased case loads and even longer lines during the holidays."
One analyst suggest that though Candice's concerns are valid, it is still a great move for the company. "This is very practical when you think about it. With studies showing that most marriages end during the holidays, many investors will be keeping a close watch to see just how low cost legal services will impact seasonal market shares."
Dollar General Inc. is already considering adding Dollar Store Attorneys to compete with Wal-Mart's $19.99 divorce packages and to tap into the market of lawyers who hang outside big box retail locations during the holidays to offer legal services.
According to part-time Courtesy Clerk Patricia Stapleton, scalping legal services has been growing every since people started fighting over the first iPhones. "With holidays and the next big sale always lurking around the corner, imagine being able to speak with a personal injury attorney immediately after being stabbed or trampled to death inside one of these stores" she said. "Before you had to force your way to the parking lot to find an attorney. This will save customers time and the company zillions in frivolous injury settlements."
After her husband suffered permanent hearing lose fighting over a pair of beats headphones Patricia believes the new services are a welcomed change. "He was ear hammered" she added. "If we could have gotten him to a lawyer sooner, it would have been as if that had never happened."
An unofficial statement released from the company reads "we want our customers to be able to settle legal matters as quickly as possible so that they can get back to shopping. As a result we can now offer deep discounts in lieu of cash settlements to customers who are injured during Black Friday events which mean even bigger savings."
"We're calling it a Festivus Wedding because it encompasses everything from breaking dishes to having a midwife present in the honeymoon suite. Obviously with all of the different religions, we want to pick something that makes people truly married."
In March 2013, the City Council of Santa Monica will review ways in which to regulate the rampant outbreak of health conscious individuals who jog, bike and bend over in city parks and beaches. Some resort to exercise in parking lots and landfills to avoid the changes.
"Everyone knows that cutlery is placed in the order in which it is used when carrying out blood sacrifices. Yet, when it comes to phone usage, people are at a loss." A study shows that when it comes to phones, some don't know the difference between indoor vs. outdoor voices."
Plans for the violently peaceful secession of some states from the U.S. were put on hold after fights erupted and many people began to realize that they would need passports to visit Disney World and reality TV would likely get subtitled.
New Adult fiction category created for 14-35 year olds who aren't quite grownups but aren't exactly children either. "Stores catering to the new readers are bad for the community" said Yuri Holender. "48 year olds are trying to pass for younger just to get these books."
The news of a lawsuit being filed by David Hester of A&E's reality TV show fame ‘Storage Wars’ claiming that the series was staged came as no surprise to one Skokie resident. Jayden Cline said he tried living in reality after he graduated college and it wasn't easy.
If your social media rep has ever gone from cute to creepy to amber alert status all in one day, you need the Nanny. Facebook Nanny will prevent you from posting racy comments and disturbing images so you can stop being unfriended. Add it to your shopping list today
When gay linebacker Jamie Kuntz man kissed his boyfriend, the kiss was harder than some of the dainty tickle tackles his team the Wildcats had been attempting to unleash on the opposing team. “Jamie kisses harder than these idiots can hit” stated one man.
Eight calls to 911 went out to Portland authorities as peeping tom became upset while watching a couple’s happy time. “It’s just not decent” he complained. “These things are only supposed to be seen while crouched in the bushes outside a window after midnight.”
According to the Clovis Unified School District in California, students can prevent the spread of STD’s by hanging out in groups and getting lots of rest (also known as sleep orgies).“The problem with young people today is that they are sleep deprived introverts” said a representative from a California school district.
“Employers are constantly being bullied and pushed by the poor and the middle class to stop making them work" says one executive. "We can no longer afford to sit idle while 47% of these people rely solely on the government to provide them with food, shelter, Nikes and Press on Nails.”
For the first time census data shows the number of minorities born in the United States has surpassed those of others. “It seems peculiar that all of these babies are being born black and brownish to yellow, I suspect it has something to do with global warming” said IN resident.
Long Hours Often Means Taking Work Home
Virginia Commonwealth University study says Americans have more
Plan complicated by a tide of lawsuits, a hurricane, locusts, and demon fire
"You don't want to be too early for something like this" said party planners.
Pubic Christmas lights may be too much for some.