Escort Interns Just Giving It Away
Long Hours Often Means Taking Work Home
Chicago, IL - When Misty took an unpaid internship at one of the largest outcall agencies in D.C., her mood could be described as skeptical, but moist. “I was told that I’d need experience before starting a career as a political Madam” she said.
“It’s always been my dream to provide quality companionship. The problem is that in today’s post-work economy, no one will hire me without getting a hook history or an arrest record first.”
Misty like many of today's young adults, believes she will persevere. “I’m lucky to have parents who can support me while I accumulate the 480 hours needed to finish the program. As an intern I have to work out of my own car most of the time, but I'm learning a lot of new tricks and I'm sure things will change once I get hired.”
Unfortunately, not all interns land dream jobs. In fact, Internships and apprenticeships alike are both literally and figuratively harder than ever. Just ask Heath Park whose break into the straight for pay film industry never happened.
In Heath's case, his only clients were men. The dreams he had of being a Cowboys4Angles exclusive model were shattered. "I began to suspect that everyone from the CEO to the administrative managers were just using me for free sex."
The cost of renting his own hotel rooms, keeping up with fetish gear fashion trends, and concocting elaborate alibis to quell the wrath of disgruntled spouses became too much.
“There was no way that I could continue working without some kind of compensation. It had gotten to the point that I was taking work home, and my rent was past due. When I met with the district manager to negotiate expense reimbursements, he laughed and said I was lucky to even have a none paying job in this economy."
His manager may have been right: The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that 40% of employers are intentionally declaring workers as dead, missing, or fired just to circumvent having to pay them. Couple this with the practice of requiring new employees to have on the job experience despite years of university education or real world practice, and pretty soon everyone will be considered interns.
"We’ve basically created a career environment that’s full of pliable adults with low self esteem” Heath continued. "That’s not something anyone should ever take lying down, unless that is their preferred position.”
U.S. Has More Cooties Than Any Other Nation
Chicago, IL - A study released by Virginia Commonwealth University revealed that Americans have more Cooties than any other developed nation. "With the increased outbreaks in the flu, toilet cooties and online dating this season, I'm starting to wonder just how sick I really am" coughed hypochondriac Janet Petrelli.
The study shows that people in the United States not only die earlier than those in other nations, but they do so in excruciating pain.
A spokesman from the Red Twist Theater in Chicago admitted that dying in excruciating pain has actually been good for business. "When people are crammed into a venue as tight as ours, it's easy for something like a cold or even cancer to spread from one person to another. The Red Twist has become famous for powerful death scenes that leave our audiences baffled. Most of the time it is because the actor has actually croaked, but if it happens to be an audience member we make it part of the show."
When not being entertained by it, many people have gotten upset over the state of health care in America. "Doctors in this country haven't cured a thing since rabies" heaved Janet Petrelli. "All they do is feed us pills chalk full of side effects to postpone the inevitable. It's like we are nothing more than human test subjects!"
A representative from the germ warfare community stated that contrary to popular beliefs, rumors about human test subjects were mostly false. "We are not going to be dropping human bombs into places like Afghanistan to fight the spread of terrorism. That is unethical" he explained. "Most Americans are already too sick to survive the 25 hours it would take to get them through customs anyway."
"Despite what Janet said during her last breath, we will soon have a cure for Cooties and maybe even Tonstinoliptonitis. We are very close to finding real cures that we think can eradicate these real conditions."
"We're calling it a Festivus Wedding because it encompasses everything from breaking dishes to having a midwife present in the honeymoon suite. Obviously with all of the different religions, we want to pick something that makes people truly married."
In March 2013, the City Council of Santa Monica will review ways in which to regulate the rampant outbreak of health conscious individuals who jog, bike and bend over in city parks and beaches. Some resort to exercise in parking lots and landfills to avoid the changes.
"Everyone knows that cutlery is placed in the order in which it is used when carrying out blood sacrifices. Yet, when it comes to phone usage, people are at a loss." A study shows that when it comes to phones, some don't know the difference between indoor vs. outdoor voices."
Plans for the violently peaceful secession of some states from the U.S. were put on hold after fights erupted and many people began to realize that they would need passports to visit Disney World and reality TV would likely get subtitled.
New Adult fiction category created for 14-35 year olds who aren't quite grownups but aren't exactly children either. "Stores catering to the new readers are bad for the community" said Yuri Holender. "48 year olds are trying to pass for younger just to get these books."
The news of a lawsuit being filed by David Hester of A&E's reality TV show fame ‘Storage Wars’ claiming that the series was staged came as no surprise to one Skokie resident. Jayden Cline said he tried living in reality after he graduated college and it wasn't easy.
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When gay linebacker Jamie Kuntz man kissed his boyfriend, the kiss was harder than some of the dainty tickle tackles his team the Wildcats had been attempting to unleash on the opposing team. “Jamie kisses harder than these idiots can hit” stated one man.
Eight calls to 911 went out to Portland authorities as peeping tom became upset while watching a couple’s happy time. “It’s just not decent” he complained. “These things are only supposed to be seen while crouched in the bushes outside a window after midnight.”
According to the Clovis Unified School District in California, students can prevent the spread of STD’s by hanging out in groups and getting lots of rest (also known as sleep orgies).“The problem with young people today is that they are sleep deprived introverts” said a representative from a California school district.
“Employers are constantly being bullied and pushed by the poor and the middle class to stop making them work" says one executive. "We can no longer afford to sit idle while 47% of these people rely solely on the government to provide them with food, shelter, Nikes and Press on Nails.”
For the first time census data shows the number of minorities born in the United States has surpassed those of others. “It seems peculiar that all of these babies are being born black and brownish to yellow, I suspect it has something to do with global warming” said IN resident.
Plan complicated by a tide of lawsuits, a hurricane, locusts, and demon fire
"You don't want to be too early for something like this" said party planners.
Pubic Christmas lights may be too much for some.