36 Year Old Virgin Fathers All of America's Children

Trent Arsenault has turned the art of cranking one off into a cultural past time. The media along with the FDA has been watching his Xtube videos, following him to seedy motels, and talking about his special diet to increase sperm production for the past several years. To date, he has fathered more children than a cracked out test bunny in a Shulgin lab. Now, the FDA wants it to stop.

Through a process often referred to as getting on your sexytime, when he’s not working it for the camera, Trent isn’t letting a drop go to waste. He travels to the future homes of his offspring and donates to the needy free of charge. Ironically, this presents an ethical dilemma for the government.

“Well, I say if I want to have a guy over to masturbate in my bathroom it’s my #^@%! business” said an angry Catherine Wakoski. Catherine admitted to utilizing such services because she can’t afford the in vitro fees. “This is what they have a problem with” she questioned. “I can select any number of random men off the street and get knocked up left and right, so long as actual intercourse is involved the FDA doesn’t care. If I don’t want to bang a stranger, I’m screwed. What am I supposed to do? Hang out in the waiting room of the Advanced Fertility Clinic and beg for a free sample? No, that’s not me. I’m not that kind of woman.”

Trent says that he has gotten the donation process down to a science and loves every minute of what he has to offer. The FDA has stated that the possibility of transmitting disease is too great outside of a controlled scientific environment. "Granted, that describes 90% of bedrooms in America, but we can't have this guy running around claiming to be everyone's father."

Paper Clip Tooth Abortions on the Rise

Have your teeth continued bothering you after that last root canal? Have you had a gum infection or found yourself addicted to Hydrocone? If your dentist was Michael Clair, be aware that you may have been on the receiving end of one of his deadly paper clip root canals.

Mike, also referred to as MikeGyver in the oral surgery underground, gives dentist a bad reputation according to an anonymous source. “He just paints a bad picture for anyone operating out of the back alleys in America and across the Mexico border. At least we use the proper utensils,” one man stated. “Sterilization has always been an issue, but people don’t expect that in an alley. They know what Listerine is for.” Mr. Clair acquired the moniker after winning a bet to fashion two coat hangers, nail clippers and some rusty copper wire into braces.

Today, the practice has cost him his job.

Closeted Rappers Ready For Gay Sex

The CW has bought the rights to the Canadian drama the LA Complex. If the tasty clip of Tariq and King hooking up is any indication, the interaction between these two is going to be a rollercoaster ride. The show may also stand to be one of the first (other than Noah’s Arc) to portray the closeted side of the hip hop culture.

Let’s just hope that the version set to air in the U.S. isn’t shy on the juicy.  

Andra Fuller and Ben Watson of LA Complex

Girl With the McNugget Tattoo

Every since she was two years old, Stacey has had a love affair with McDonalds chicken McNuggets. For the last 15 years, her diet has consisted only of autolyzed yeast, dimethylpolysiloxane, aluminum phosphate and something referred to as TBHQ. For those of us who are not bio terrorist, these are the ingredients of a McNugget. So don’t expect to see Stacy in a Morgan Spurlock film anytime soon, she’ll be busy fighting for her life.

“I remember how she always laughed at everyone when we were kids” a classmate who wished to remain anonymous said. “Stacey had a happy meal and a smile on her face whenever you saw her. I’ll admit that I was jealous. It hurt because she never shared the toys. But not anymore, after a while it became creepy. I mean I'm sorry that she's like, in the hospital, but what did she expect?”

For some kids, refusing to eat vegetables signifies a way for them to rebel and to feel independent. So what is a parent to do when this happens, how do you say we’re not going to McDonalds again? "It became so bad that we had to throw Mayor McCheese and Hamburgler themed birthday parties all the way up to her 16th birthday. We probably should have stopped with the McNugget Buddies wrapping paper at Christmas, but she would cry if we didn’t.”

No one is blaming the parents (except me), we all know that raising kids is hard. I just hope that if Stacey overcomes this that she finds another way to express her love for McNuggets.

A tattoo might be nice.

85 Year Old Woman Cast as Spartacus?

A group that promotes elderly thespian actors is demanding that an 85 year old Alaskan woman who fought off a charging bull moose be cast as Spartacus. Dorthea Taylor jumped into action to protect her husband of 40 years when the animal went mad and attached. "It was like the opening scene from the new season of Spartacus" she laughed. "Massive hooves pound the ground, his head and body positioned to strike, but I was faster" said Dorthea with clinched fists. "I asked myself, what would Spartacus do?"

Like many, Dorthea was a little upset about the re-casting of the show after the death of actor Andy Whitfield but suggested that Liam McIntyre would probably do ok. "He is a little young and kind of plastic looking, but the eye candy is one of the reasons I watch" she admitted. "That and all of the gay sex."

Note: You can catch the latest episode of Spartacus on the Starz website before the new season officially starts January 27th.

Fetus Flavoring Ban Sparks Outrage

Days after Mayor Joseph Maturo was mailed hundreds of fetus tacos for insensitive remarks about Latinos, another political figure finds himself getting roasted. A bill introduced by Sen. Ralph Shortey has sparked outrage among cannibals in Oklahoma and across the nation. SB 1418 would stop companies from using aborted human fetuses in everyday products like Doritos, Diet Pepsi, hotdogs and chocolate. The practice of using human babies started when the FDA approved the use of the term “natural flavoring” on food labels.

Activists have responded that “everyone knows what natural flavoring is. It means human baby parts. That's why people enjoy eating American food” said Martin Fannigan, cannibal of 14 years. “What are we going to eat if they take this away from us? We’ll starve.”

When questioned about his motives for introducing such legislation, Sen. Shortey responded that he didn’t want Oklahoma to become the Mexico of North America. “Everyone has heard don’t drink the water” he explained. “Do we really want people saying don’ t eat in Oklahoma because Oklahoma is Not OK?”

Sweet Tooth

"A Christian woman shouldn't buy cucumbers after midnight. It just doesn't look right."

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The Good Wife

"A girl can only sell herself into bridal slavery so many times before customs start to ask questions."
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Ghetto Kitchen

"Beef dick from the projects - that's not soul food, that's just nasty."

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Bestiality

"It's not just a show on animal planet."


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